I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
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5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Vodka burrito was a success
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body