I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
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5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
I put the mess in domestic.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.