I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
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robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Speak now or ever hold your peace
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.