KATY PERRY: 馃幎 baby you鈥檙e a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY鈥橲 DOG: I hate this song
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I don鈥檛 understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don鈥檛 have a phone.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Give me a minute, I鈥檓 still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men鈥檚 underwear
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Husband & me: OMG, he鈥檚 doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he鈥檚 doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he鈥檚 doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I鈥檓 more of a tired afternoon duck.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I鈥檝e come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can鈥檛 stop you.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
In space, no one can hear…
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.