Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
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Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean