My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
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My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.