After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
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I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.