Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
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Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
i choose….tongue
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
My love language is hissing.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.