me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
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What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.