Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
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Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?