Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
You Might Also Like
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
An odd boast
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
❤️🦆
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola