If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
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ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.