“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
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Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.