Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
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My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open