Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
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If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
These are my roll models.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why