Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
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hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol