It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
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2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Google assistant rules
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us