Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
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[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic