me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
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When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
I needed a laugh this morning.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
I think the cat got the dog high.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids