Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
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[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
twitter is a journey
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using