Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
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Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.