People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
You Might Also Like
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
c’mon!
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.