Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
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[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
the three branches of government
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.