A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
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I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?