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If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!