Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
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Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Yes my dude
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum