you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
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[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
#Caturday
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…