[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
You Might Also Like
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?