Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
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[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Botany good plants lately?
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC