So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
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No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.