A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
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No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
lol
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
This is what makes twitter great
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles