This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
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My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.