┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
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“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Jogging