*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
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For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.