[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
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My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
All. The. Damn. Time.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Me trying to walk in a dream
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?