Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
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My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
O Wise One….
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*