GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
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Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!