INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
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I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Lmao
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.