[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
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[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
What do you hear?
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
AM I BEING GASLIT????