earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
You Might Also Like
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Every BBC series about the universe.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.