That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
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Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Guantanamo Bae
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.