Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
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Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not