This makes total sense…
You Might Also Like
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Never forget.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
#parenting
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.