I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
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Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
my dad has had enough
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same