The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
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News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Carpe DM