If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
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My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
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🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
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🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
selena gomez
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?