I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
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Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
giddy up Office Depot