If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
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Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Me too
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.