are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
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The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide