“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
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It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.